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A Teacher's Late Summer Reflection On Returning To A Career That Feels Like It May Have Run Its Course

It's getting later in the summer and, as a public school teacher, I can feel the time slipping away.

This is the time of year where there are two me's.

There is the me that is free in the summer to explore my interests.

And then there is the me that shows up in September, annoyed that I haven't been able to find another path that suits my life's vision better. The me that is frustrated in a career that gets harder and harder with each passing year.

Teaching is really starting to feel like a dead end.

If I hang on long enough, maybe there will be a pension waiting for me, but with the way the world operates now, I'm not banking on that.

If things go well, I get to start over every September. There is no progression in the job. It's Groundhog's Day. Rinse and repeat.

I'm not built for that.

I need a sense of progress and of purpose.

It feels like teaching is one of those careers where everyone is counting down. Counting down until the end of the day, the next long weekend, the next break, or the end of the school year all together. Students and faculty alike.

It's not unusual to pass another teacher in the hall and hear something like, 'Just a couple more to go,' usually referring to having only one or two periods left in the day, or referring to how many days are left in the week before the weekend.

I don't want to live like this.

I want to count up. I want to look forward to showing up the next day. I don't want to count down anymore.

I want to look forward to my work and unfortunately, instead I dread it.

Teaching itself is amazing. I enjoy the act of teaching. The satisfaction of seeing someone learn how to do something and knowing that you showed them how to do it.

Unfortunately, this doesn't happen as often as you would think in the public school setting. Most of the time, it feels like none of that.

Most of the time you are battling to get students to care enough just to try. You have to pry kids away from their cell phones. Their attention spans tuned to the 5 second TikTok videos they have become numbed by. It's an uphill battle every single day. And, it is utterly exhausting.

Discouragingly, the typical reward for working harder is harder work.

Once an administrator sees that you are capable of handling more, they give it to you. But a lot of the time there is no real benefit to the teacher. It's more work for the same pay.

We get our standard yearly raises, based on years in, not on performance. Most of the time these raises pace inflation. So there is no motivation to take on more work, especially if it's work you don't want in the first place.

There are no promotions, unless you become a supervisor or administrator, which are different roles all together and perhaps even more suffocating.

It feels like the place my soul goes to die. Or, at least, shrink.

Sure, there are positive interactions with students, but they are not in balance with the rest of the bullshit. After all, you can't pay the bills with thank you letters.

The sun rises and falls, and I get nowhere closer to where I actually want to be.

Where I need to be.

I'm having a really hard time writing today. As September gets closer, this darkness takes hold and, right now, it's all I can think about.

Part of me wants to resign all together, without even having anything else lined up, because it will force me to figure it out, rather than suffer through another 10 months until I can be myself again next July.

I want to write something inspirational, where there is a lesson, but so far I am losing that battle today.

The darker voice in my mind is winning and not letting go.

The lessons I've learned through my life have sometimes come from these darker days, of which I'm unfortunately not a stranger to.

For now, I'm holding on.

Already, my mind is trying to shift to focusing on to things that I am grateful for.

Maybe I can wrap this up with that message.

I'm grateful I have predictable income and medical coverage. Despite feeling burned out, I realize that I am in an important position. I don't take that for granted and I do my best to shield students from my internal strife.

I am especially grateful for my family and my friends.

I am grateful for you, someone who has chosen to invest their time reading the words that I have written. Thank you.

Life isn't all unicorns and rainbows. It ebbs and flows. Unfortunately, today, I am having a hard time snapping out of a low.

I have to act.

Writing every day is part of that action.

It's one of the things I wanted to try to do more of this summer. I can be grateful that I wrote today anyway, despite feeling like an 8.5 out of 10 on the depression-o-meter.

Another thing I did to try and help break out of it was to get up and take the 20 minute ride to the beach. I walked for 2 miles on the hard packed, low-tide exposed, sand. It was beautiful. It didn't cure me, but I took the initiative to try and fix myself and it definitely helped.

Unfortunately, I think I have to share these moments with you though, especially in our Insta-Tok-Book infused lives.

Everyone is just trying to live the best they can. And sometimes we only see the highlight real.

Since you're alive, you know, it can get tough sometimes.

Today was one of those days.

It was a perfect day, but there was a storm between my ears.

Tomorrow is another chance.

We have a lot we can be grateful for.

Keep going.