Beating The Comparison Trap

5 Things You Can Do To Fight Off Comparison Despair

I was falling down the hole of despair and giving my mind all the fuel it needed to incinerate my hope.

I return to my day job next month and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t dreading it.

It’s been on my mind lately and as a result I’ve been feeling even more pressure to make this writing thing work out. Shit, I’ve been feeling the pressure to make anything work out, as long as it affords me the opportunity to change career paths.

With that as the backdrop, it is understandable why my angst was increased after stumbling across another writer’s early successes.

I was on Substack doing my thing when I noticed another blogger who has been at it for about as long as I have. She had mentioned that she was able to get more than 250 subscribers in her first month on the platform.

I immediately felt like crap. We’ve both been doing this for about the same amount of time, but she was having drastically better results.

How was she able to get so many more subscribers than I did?

What was I doing wrong?

I couldn’t help but feel inadequate.

Imposter syndrome came flooding in. I started questioning whether or not I should even bother writing at all.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
-Theodore Roosevelt

I think my anguish boils down to this simple principle:

Whenever we compare ourselves to another person, we tend to focus on what we don’t have while failing to account for what we do.

I have no idea how much experience this other person has. I don’t know what kind of struggles outside of their blog they have dealt with. I don’t know anything about this other person, other than the fact that she had gained more subs than me.

The only thing I saw is that she has been doing this as long as I have and she seemed to be way further along.

I felt like I’d put in the work, but it’s quite possible that maybe she had done double what I had. It’s also just as likely that she is working smarter than I am, optimizing efficiencies that bring her more attention.

The point is, I have no idea. I don’t know what this other person’s life is like and I don’t know what prior experience she is bringing to the table.

I think this is where my troubles were coming from.

I was comparing myself to a person who I had never met. Someone who may have a much more extensive background than me. Someone who looks to have put in the work, and quite possibly much more than I have.

I was focused on my own perceived lack, not on the fact that I actually showed up and I did my work. I wrote every day. I tried to publish every other day (at a minimum). I’ve written about 20 posts now and I’ve accomplished what I set out to do in the first month. I actually did achieve my goals.

I completely forgot that my own personal goal had nothing to do with subscribers.

Seeing this Substacker’s results made me throw all of my own achievement away. She had the better numbers and that’s all I could see. I couldn’t see that I actually was on pace with my own goals — to write everyday and to publish every other day.

So what can we do?

What can we do when we’re feeling this comparison despair take hold?

5 Ways To Confront The Comparison Trap

1. Be Grateful For What You Do Have

This is just good advice in general. Whenever you are feeling like you’re lacking, remind yourself of the things in your life that you are grateful for. Yeah, you might not have that new Ferrari that you’ve been dreaming about, but chances are, you have a car that someone less fortunate would love to have.

Stop and realize that you have a lot to be thankful for.

2. Be Kind To Yourself

Look, this shit is hard. No matter what you are trying to accomplish, chances are it’s not going to come easy. Be proud of the effort that you have put in. Be proud that you are showing up.

If you’re not performing to your own standard, try not to beat yourself up about it. The negative self talk battery isn’t going to help. Realize that tomorrow is a new day and you’ll have another chance at it.

Or, perhaps realize that the goal that you’re after isn’t that true to what you’re actually hoping for in your life. In this case, this despair that you may be feeling is actually a gift because it will save you a ton of time and energy that you would have invested into working on the wrong thing.

Be gentle with yourself and try not to beat yourself down with negative internal dialogue.

3. Remember That Reality Doesn’t Always Match Perception

Remind yourself that you don’t know what this person’s full life is like. Who knows what they are dealing with. Perhaps they have a horrendous home situation, or maybe that have a huge amount of debt. Maybe they’re actually miserable behind the facade.

Would you still want to trade places with them then?

Remember that you don’t have the full picture.

4. Turn Envy Into Education

After I got over the initial insecurity I was feeling, I immediately switched over to “what can I learn from this” mode. I realized that maybe she knows something that I don’t. Maybe she is doing things that I’m not.

My insecurity turned into curiosity. I wanted to study what she had done to see if there were ways that I could improve my own practices. It turns out there were. I’m thankful that I was able to see this because I was able to learn from it and apply it to my own practices.

Ask yourself, “Is there anything I can learn from this?”

5. Realize That You May Be The Person Other People Are Comparing Themselves To

I’ll never forget the time I went mountain biking with my friend Andy. I remember thinking to myself, ‘Damn, he’s got the bike I want. He’s got the house I want.’ So forth and so on.

I remember being in this comparison trap feeling inadequate compared to him. I wanted what he had.

When we finally got to the top of the hill we were climbing, we sat down to take in the view of the mountains and grab some water. While we were sitting there we were talking about life in general. I remember him mentioning that he also had these feelings of comparison.

He was telling me how he saw his friend on Facebook and how much he envied this other person’s house. The irony was not lost on me. I told him, “Hey man, you’re that dude for me.”

What I meant by this is that I was the one comparing my situation to Andy’s. I wanted the house he had, the bike, etc. It turns out that he was also comparing his situation to another person all together and that he had these same feelings of not having enough.

This got me thinking.

Am I the person that someone else is comparing their life to?

The irony was eye opening. I’ll never forget this because he was feeling despair comparing himself to this other person, while I was doing the same thing about him. It made me realize that perhaps I was the target of someone else’s comparison trap.

Remember, you may actually be the one that someone else is comparing themselves to right now.

I had to write this article. I feel like it’s something that we all struggle with and it took me a day or two to recover from it this time. I fell down the hole and I needed to pull myself back out.

I write this for you as much as I do for me. I need to take my own advice. If I’m being honest, I’m still recovering from this last fall. At least I have some action items to put in place and keep moving toward my best future.

Whatever it is that you are working on out there, be sure to celebrate your wins. Be sure to acknowledge the work that you are doing.

Fight off the comparison trap and put your best foot forward.

Keep going.