It's Possible That The People Who Love You The Most Don't Know What's Best For You

What I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me When I Was 18 Years Old And Trying To Figure It Out For Myself

Every year, as the calendar rolls over to August, my anxiety spikes.

It’s a reminder that I’m not living my dream life. That past decisions I’ve made have pigeon holed me into a narrow career path that I don’t necessarily want to be on. That, before long, the drudgery of daily exhaustion will return.

I’m blessed in that I have 2 months “off” every year to go after and chase my dreams, but the harsh wake-up that comes at the end of the summer stings, each and every year.

I am grateful for my job, but I am also filled with dread thinking about it.

I am a public school teacher and although the job can be rewarding, it can also be exhausting.

I’ve been blessed to have made a positive impact on the students that I’ve taught over the years. I’m proud every time I hear that I am a kid’s ‘favorite teacher’. But, internally, I feel like I’ve failed. I failed the 18 year old kid in me that had different plans for his life.

I started teaching when I was a recent college grad living at home with a degree in biochemistry. The degree was getting dusty and I was working a basic job at the time, one that didn’t require a degree at all and one that didn’t really have a future.

Truth was, I was so burned out by what I studied in college that I never wanted to see any of it again.

I decided to go to college after high school, because in the late 90’s, it really did feel like the only path to success. At least that is what I was led to believe by every adult in my life.

This was back before the internet had taken hold. We were limited to the perspective of our local world and I hadn’t met anyone who could tell me otherwise. College was the way.

I wanted to study music.

Everyone I told this to told me that I was crazy, in more or less words. None of the adults in my life at the time thought that choosing music as a major was a good idea. It was a ‘wasted’ major, a waste of time and a waste of money.

It didn’t matter that this is what I loved to do and wanted to do. After all, it was “foolish” to pursue such a thing. I was told the only career that you can do with a degree in music was teaching, unless you were the one-in-a-million musician who did actually make it. Teachers were treated like doormats and I wasn’t confident enough in my own ability to say for sure I was the one in a million, but I was good.

Surely the adults in my life knew what they were talking about. I needed to pick a practical career path so I wouldn’t end up miserable. I picked a major that seemed like it fit the bill, that would lead to the best career results.

I decided to declare my major as a premed student and I started college in the fall of 1995. I changed my major a few times, struggling through college, to finally graduate in 2000 with a degree in biochemistry.

Why biochem? Because in my junior year, when I was considering dropping out of college all together, it was the quickest way to get a degree with the classes I had matriculated and therefore the quickest way out the door with something in hand.

Fast forward 30 years and I’ve ended pretty unhappy in my career anyway. I’m grateful to have my job, but I struggle.

I struggle with money. I struggle with depression. I struggle with who I am, but more so, who I am not.

I struggle to feel like a provider for my family.

For me, I feel like this misalignment can be traced all the way back to my decision to go to college for something other than music.

Why does this matter to you?

Because I am now a 48 year old man who wishes that he could go back and tell his 18 year old self that none of those adults were going to be the ones waking up everyday and dragging their asses into a job that drains their spirit.

None of those adults would have to deal with the internal disappointment in wondering what could have been, had they only tried.

None of those adults were me.

I can’t go back and tell myself any of these things, but maybe I can tell you. Maybe I can help you make a better decision for your own life.

I’m not saying that you should be outwardly indignant or defiant. Don’t burn all of your relationships.

I am trying to tell you that you already know what you want in your heart.

There is no easy path in life. There is no magic carpet that will whisk you away from your troubles and deliver you to your dreams.

Life is hard.

You are going to struggle.

Which path are you willing to struggle on?

The adults in your life don’t want you to suffer unnecessarily. They are just trying to look out for you. They want to see you safe and healthy. None of this is malicious, assume they love you and want what’s best for you.

Not everyone has ideal relationships with the adults in their life, but if you are considering their opinion above your own, it’s safe to say that you at least respect them and want to make them proud.

So the question becomes:

How can I show the adults in my life that I am safe and healthy, without following their wishes, which may be misaligned with my own?

I think that the answer only comes when you are doing the thing you love and showing them that you are getting along in life. That you are fulfilled in your path. That you are trying and, although it’s hard, you are happy in your pursuit. Until then, I wouldn’t expect them to be happy with your decision if it goes against what they think you should do.

As a parent myself, I just want to know that my kids are going to be okay. I don’t want them to hurt. I don’t want them to struggle. Even though I know that a life without challenge is impossible. It’s just ingrained into the parenting DNA.

I want to make sure that they’re going to be happy and healthy before I leave this planet. I need to know that they can support themselves if I am gone. I think this is pretty common amongst parents, especially parents trying to talk you into a safe career.

Information is much more readily available in present times. Now that the internet exists, there are also so many more possibilities for income. Choose something that makes you smile. Choose something that makes you light up when you get to tell someone else about it.

Pick something that you’re willing to put massive effort into on a consistent basis. Choose something that you believe in. Choose something you can’t get enough of.

I wanted freedom of time, finance, and geography. That is what being a musician represented to me. It represented a life of choice. A life where I could be creative and get paid for it. I didn’t want to punch the clock and just try to survive.

I’ve tried to leave my career a few times now. I’m still trying to if I’m being honest. I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like if I had chosen a path that I was truly interested in pursuing, instead of just doing what I thought I was supposed to do.

I guess what I really wish for is a fulfilling line of work. One where I don’t feel like a doormat to society.

I want to save you from this unnecessary bit, the part that is tinged by regret. The desperation that results from making tiny concessions, over and over again, until you are so far off course that you don’t know how you got there.

Remember, life is going to be challenging, no matter which lane you choose.

Your parent’s concerns are valid. So are yours.

You get to decide what path you are ultimately going to take. You are the only one who really can.

This is your life and no one else can do the work for you. You are the one that has to show up for it everyday.

Like I said, I’ll be back in the classroom again soon. I’ll remind myself to focus on being in service to those kids. But when I’m not there, I’ll be working. I’ll be working toward this dream that I still have. This dream of freedom.

I am trying to save you all of the years of desperation that I’ve felt, and still feel. I am trying to save you the pain of putting on the mask and going through the motions, hoping for the day where you don’t have to anymore.

So as I prepare to return to the classroom for my 19th year (yikes), I wanted to share this message with you.

It’s never too late to get started, but life seems to favor those who figure it out sooner than later. Start working toward your dream now.

Do what you have to do, but don’t give up on yourself. Don’t give up on that dream that lives in your core.

You don’t have to burn the bridges, but I urge you to recognize that it won’t go away, especially if you end up unhappy in a situation that you never wanted in the first place.

Even it you have to fit your thing in the nooks and crannies of your life. Keep moving forward.

In order to silence the critics, no matter who they are, you have to show them that you are doing the thing and are having success.

Success can be defined in a multitude of ways, but the point is:

The people who love you just want to know that you will be okay.

I wish someone would have pulled me aside when I was younger and explained this to me. I wish they told me to go for it. I wish they told me what they really wanted for me - to be safe, to be healthy, to be fulfilled.

That is really what we all want for ourselves and for the people we care about.

I’m old enough now to have the power of perspective. My own children are of college age as I write this.

I want them to choose a path in life that can give them the things they need in order to sleep at night. It’s a tough balance sometimes, trying to toe the line between being pushy and allowing them to navigate their own journeys. I just want to know that they’ll be okay. I want them to pursue their dreams, but I also want them to be able to support themselves in a world that can be unforgiving.

Every family is different. I can’t just make blanket statement to everyone out there to just drop all of your familial responsibilities, throw up both middle fingers, and smoke the wheels on your car as you tear down the street chasing your dreams.

All I’m saying is that you know what you want. Now that you know that the elders in your life want you to be secure, you can better navigate the conversations.

Ask them what they want for you. You may be surprised by their answers. Try to have the conversation. Some people won’t be open to talking about it, but the more you understand each other, the better chance you have at harmony.

Ultimately you’ll have to show them how you can live in your love and be okay. That is all they really want. That is all you really want to.

It takes time to show the people who love you that you’ll be okay. Give them that opportunity as you take your own. Be patient with them. Do what you think is necessary, but don’t give up on what you want for yourself. Stay after it.

I hope that no matter where you are in your journey, that you are taking steps toward your freedom.

Show people you’ll be okay and you can win them over. I’m not telling you to decimate your life and destroy all of the relationships you have so that you can prove a point. I’m trying to communicate that the advice you are getting is probably coming from a place of love, which is causing fear.

The adults in your life fear that you won’t be okay in choosing to do what you love, rather than the safe and steady career path that they’d prefer. I am also trying to tell you, that if you ignore your calling, it will keep calling.

You have to find the balance in your own life. Do what you think is necessary, just don’t ignore that fire that burns inside you.

As I sit here typing this article, I’m still trying. I’m not really telling anyone that I am writing. This time, I’d rather just show them that it’s working than try to explain it.

Do your work.