My Daughter Turns 18 Today

An ode to my daughter and the seven takeaways that I have learned about parenting, so far.

My daughter turns 18 years old today.

I’m shaking my head trying to grasp what I just wrote. I still remember being at the playground with both of my children, the older parents telling us to enjoy it because it goes fast. Man, I had no idea. There is no way that I could really understand what they were trying to tell me until I lived it for myself.

Now I find myself saying the same thing to new parents, part of me knowing that they also have no idea what I’m trying to tell them in that clichéd phrase, ‘Enjoy it. It goes fast.’

I think age is one of those things that patiently teaches. Raising children is the best thing that I have done in my life. It’s also the hardest. They are a part of every decision that I make, and if the decision ultimately doesn’t help them in some way or another, it’s a no.

My daughter has taught me so much. Just the way she carries herself has me in awe. She’s amazing. She’s dealt with a lot in her lifetime and she shows up with a smile anyway. She cares for others, not because it’s the nice thing to do, but because it is just how she rolls. It is who she is.

I hope for her. I want her to squeeze every last drop out of life. I want her to live her dreams. I hope that she finds love and that her relationships are healthy, nourishing, and loyal. I hope that she finds a career that brings her fulfillment. I hope that she knows when to call it quits on the things that are draining her spirit. I hope that she earns peace within her own mind and shares it with the world. I hope she has a good life.

There is something about these milestone birthdays. They have a way of creating landmarks in the timeline of our lives. Inflection points that create pause and allow you to contemplate the choices you’ve made and the future that you are setting out to discover. One chapter ending, a new one beginning.

When these milestones approach in your children’s lives there is an added layer of contemplation. Did I do everything I could to help them? Was there anything I could have done differently? Are they happy?

I guess at the end of the day, I just want my kids to be fulfilled. Happy is fleeting. Happy lasts in the moment. Fulfilled, lasts a lifetime. It carries you through the ups and downs. It helps you sleep at night.

So, today she turns 18. In five days, my son turns 22. I’m getting older. I guess we all are. Time stops for no one.

So what lessons have I learned?

For one, your kids won’t always listen, but they are ALWAYS watching. Lead by example. Not much else to say here, other than to be careful, they are always watching you and their observations of you are going to speak louder than any of your words.

Two, your shit can run downhill onto them. Be careful. Even when you are trying your best, some days can still beat you down. Your patience runs thin and it’s easy to pop. I think parenting teaches you control. Not control over them, but control over yourself. Try the best you can to not make your shit, their shit. This is harder than it sounds. Just keep this in mind, it’s really important.

Three, admit when you’re wrong and apologize when you screw up. Your kids need to see that you are not perfect. They also need to see how to handle situations in their own lives that they may have screwed up. Apologize and explain why you are sorry to them. Just make sure that you’re not apologizing too much. There is a well and when it runs dry, the apologies no longer carry weight.

Four, be patient. Everything important takes time. This includes raising your children. This includes evolving as a parent. All you can do is your best in that moment. Give your daily efforts the time they need to flourish. You won’t see your hard work reflected in your kids right away, but you will see it when you least expect it. Just do the best you can, whatever ‘best’ is on that day.

Five, you’re going to be tired. You’re making decisions for more than yourself. This means sometimes you are going to have to do things when you’re exhausted. Do them tired. Refer to everything else I’ve said so far in the meantime.

Six, be the adult. Be steadfast. Sometimes your kids are going to be little assholes. Don’t be a bigger asshole back. As hard as it is, and it will be hard, try your best to be the adult in the room. Sometimes just listening is all you need to do. Sometimes, things need to cool off before the real conversation can take place. Don’t be the asshole. Take a breath. This can be tough, but it’s important not to escalate disagreements.

Seven, love them. Give them hugs. Show up. Be there. I once heard someone ask, ‘How do kids spell love?’ The answer: T-I-M-E.

Kids want your time. They want your attention. They don’t want all of your time or attention, but they do want enough of it. Make sure you are making the effort to enjoy time with your children. Just be there for them.

Nobody is perfect. Not you, not your kids. God knows I’m not. Just do the best you can. That’s all you really can do. Ask for help when you need it, even if it takes the form of commiserating with your friends over a glass of wine or a pint of beer. Admit when you’ve screwed up. Do what you say you’re going to do, otherwise don’t say it at all. Give them hugs. Give them your time. Just love them the best way you know how.

After all, ‘Enjoy it. It goes fast.’